| back to the articles' index page from www.sextreatment.com by Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW As published in "Prometheus" magazine as an ongoing advice column. Question: I am a new member of TES and just beginning to explore sexual wants and needs that I never thought I'd have the opportunity to talk to anyone about, much less actually get those needs gratified. It seems like a wonderful new adventure to me. However, to be honest, I find myself holding back because I really don't know if these are "healthily" instincts that are moving me forward on my journey. Sometimes I think they are, but I'm still hung up on what society tells me is "sick" or "perverted". I know that there are some people who aren't really glued together in the scene, and plenty of people who are not in the scene who engage in sexual fantasies and behaviors that are not part of a healthy, well-integrated life style. Can you answer this question for me? Is there a difference between "healthy" and "sick" BDSM? Are certain forms of sexual expression really "perverse" and are some of the people at TES just kidding themselves about it being OK as a way to avoid facing certain painful realities about themselves? Regards, Ambivalent Dear Ambivalent, Your question is an intelligent one. It would be presumptuous of me to set myself up as the arbiter of what's "sick," "healthy", or, God help me, "perverse". As a matter of fact, I simply exclude them from my vocabulary because they're meaningless value-laden words that reflect a pejorative connotation of people who's behaviors don't subscribe to the "normative" values of society. A more useful question to ask might be: What works and what doesn't? In my opinion, sexuality, which includes safe, sane and consensual S&M, is an essential part of our humanity that functions to help make us feel more in touch and accepting of our physicality; contributes to a feeling of aliveness and vitality; can move us in the direction of spiritual ecstasy; and is an opportunity to experiment, explore and discover aspects of ourselves that have remained dormant. Most importantly, it can be a source of intimate connections to other people, which is an essential part of good mental health and a happy life. If you can find a mode of sexual expression that leads you closer to being in touch with this vital part of your self, and that helps you to mature as a person and as a woman, well, then, that works. Also, and this may be the simplest parameter for healthy sex, — it's fun. HOWEVER...Sexuality can be a pathway to heaven or a doorway to hell. When S&M doesn't lead a person closer to a sense of heightened vitality, when it's not fun and pleasurable, when it doesn't bring people together but rather isolates them, then, that's another story. YES, VIRGINIA, there is a dark, murky side of BDSM that emerges from the Netherlands of the psyche (the unconscious mind) that keeps people trapped in an endless repetitive cycle of compulsion, secrecy, loss of control, guilt, lies, self-hatred, shame and isolation. This, obviously, is the part of it that doesn't work. So what's the difference between someone who has a scene and, as a patient of mine once said, "sees the face of God", and other people for whom it is a hell on earth? When is BDS&M pathological? 1. When it's exploitative of another person (and I am of the opinion that even though it's consensual doesn't guarantee non-exploitation), or if it doesn't take into account the mutual satisfaction of both dom and sub. 2. When the masochistic/submissive activity isn't really a scene as much as it is a repetitive enactment of childhood trauma. Childhood trauma can mean any number of things. When one's earliest love-objects (most probably the mother in the early years) are depressed, rageful, alcoholic, physically violent, withdrawn — or when there's sadistic physical punishment or incest on the part of the father...or any number of events that the child experiences as traumatic...the child begins to equate love with pain. The ramifications of this type of childhood experience are many. Because they never received the care, nurturing, time, interest or empathy that we all need for healthy psychic development, they "internalize" the parents' treatment of them and live with shame, self-hatred, guilt and an overriding longing for punishment and humiliation as a way to assuage the guilt they felt for being the cause (as little children think) of their mother's unhappiness. They long to be back in the total control and care of a dominant female/male and to accept and surrender to whatever is meted out in order to please, appease and garner the love they never received. The aim here is not sexual gratification. It is not a fun fantasy scene that they can walk away from. They live their lives in the fantasy, are obsessed and preoccupied, and the scenes deplete them rather than vitalize them. .. Because their sexual/psychic energies are targeted toward reparation of the past, they are inhibited from finding true partnership in the present with an adult partner. After a scene, these people often feel emptier and hungrier than before. Why? Because they are trying to return to a child-like state wherein they can have a different ending to the pain and trauma of their childhood and finally win the desperately longed for parental love and approval. AND THIS DOESN'T WORK. It doesn't work because continually trying to extract love from a person from the past or in the present who is constitutionally incapable of love keeps them in a hopeless cycle of longings that can never be fulfilled. As adults, they are often frightened of any kind of intimate attachment Secretly, they think of themselves as "perverts" and the quality of their lives are marked by hiding, as well as continually experiencing the relentless anguish and frustration of living with unmet longings that they sense will never be satisfied. Shame keeps them from participating in the human community. They are "fixated" in an infantile pattern that keeps them attached to the maternal figure that lives in their psyches and prohibits them from experiencing growth, development, an increasing ability to love and be loved. The urgency of getting childhood needs met keeps them from operating from a position of being able to exercise adult choices. Emotional and spiritual growth, healthy exploration of life, love, pleasurable sexuality, and a sense of meaning and purpose in living elude them because they've never really developed a core sense of who they are. Is it "sick"? Is it "abnormal"? Is it "perverse"? As I said, these are words that I've banished from my vocabulary. What I can say with some certainty is that this is the kind of BDSM that doesn't work and that creates pain and suffering that can't be walked away from after a scene is over. Ultimately, I think the essential difference between fun S&M and self-destructive S&M is in the difference between a person who has a basically solid sense of self and can choose their own sexual/sensual experiences and power-exchange relationships vs. a person who still needs to work on developing a core sense of self from which various forms of erotic expression can be explored and enjoyed. +Welcome to TES and have fun with your exploration. Dorothy Dorothy Hayden, MBA, LCSW, received her masters degree in clinical social work from New York University and has received advanced clinical training at the Post Graduate Center for Mental Health. She is a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City. E-mail:dhayden@nyc.rr.com. Dorothy Hayden, LCSW New York, NY www.sextreatment.com back to the articles' index page You may print and photo copy the above article as many times you want to. You are not allowed to modify this article, |